HELPFUL RESOURCES

BOOKS AND BLOGS

Here are some helpful resources in your journey to understanding emotional and verbal abuse, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, divorcing a narcissist, various Christian perspectives on separation and/or divorce, and self-care while going through a separation or divorce.

Helpful Resources Narcissist Abuse Emotional Verbal

Destructive and Abusive Relationships:

The Emotionally Destructive Marriage: How to Find Your Voice and Reclaim Your Hope  by Leslie Vernick. This book by Leslie Vernick made me go “WOW”, I’m in a destructive relationship and need to stand up and find my voice! I’ve got to do something!  And when my words and actions didn’t make a difference, I knew it was time to take a stand.

Leslie also has a website with great blogs and articles on destructive relationships.

Mending the Soul. There are seminars on healing from abuse from a group called Mending the Soul. I went through this 10 week seminar at my church and wept the entire 10 weeks.  It was hard to admit that I had been emotionally and verbally abused.  Me?  A professional woman who looked like I had it all together?  Yes, I realized it was clearly abuse when I looked at the definitions.  Most emotional abusers and narcissists are deft at hiding it to the outside, but inside the home it feels like a private torture chamber to the victim.   I urge you to see if there is a group forming in your area.  It’s very healing and helpful to go through the study with a group. Even though it might feel like your guts are getting ripped out to admit it publicly.

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft  and his daily guide called Daily Wisdom for Why Does He Do That?: Encouragement for Women Involved with Angry and Controlling Men are both helpful and encouraging if you are involved with an angry and abusive man.  Right now I’m reading “Daily Wisdom” and wishing I had read it 3 years ago! He reiterates in multiple ways the fact that abusive men try to make you feel crazy and assures you that you are absolutely not the crazy one. Your memory is fine. Trust yourself.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder:

The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family by Eleanor Payson

Why Is It Always About You? : The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism by Sandy Hotchkiss

Out of the Fog – Narcissistic Personality Disorder: an excellent description of the behaviors and “games” that Narcissists play.

Divorcing a Narcissist:

Bill Eddy’s books are excellent on “High Conflict Personalities” including narcissism.  Here are a few that were helpful to me:

Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Bill Eddy

BIFF: Quick Responses to High-Conflict People, Their Personal Attacks, Hostile Email and Social Media Meltdowns by Bill Eddy

Divorcing a Narcissist: Advice from the Battlefield by Tina Swithlin

I Promise to Hate, Despise, and Abuse You until Death Do Us Part Marriage in a Narcissistic Age by Andrea V. Oelger  This book is a little harder to find, but a friend gave it to me and it described my situation EXACTLY and gave me hope that I was not crazy and not alone.  It’s not as sophisticated as some other books, but I found it very helpful. It also gives interesting scripture references on why they believe divorcing an abusive spouse is not against God’s word.

 

Christian Resources on Separation/Divorce:

Divorce and Remarriage by Tony Evans

What God Has Joined: What does the Bible really teach about divorce?   This article by David Instone-Brewer was very enlightening and freeing for me.  Hopefully it will be meaningful to you. He also has an excellent book,  Divorce and Remarriage in the Church: Biblical Solutions for Pastoral Realities.

www.cryingoutforjustice.com is an excellent website with good resources on the church and divorce.

This excellent and thought-provoking blog by Barbara Roberts addresses the biblical grounds for divorcing an abuser.

 

Taking Care of Yourself/Healing/Staying Sane:

Jesus Calling: Enjoying Peace in His Presence by Sarah Young

Walking with God: Talk to Him. Hear from Him. Really.by John Eldredge

Help, Thanks, Wow: The Three Essential Prayers by Anne Lamott

Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.

One day at a Time in Al-Anon

Courage to Change – One Day at a Time in Al-Anon II

 

FYI – Some of the Helpful Resources links to books are affiliates.  I make a small commission if you purchase through my links – this is how I keep my blog updated.  Each resource listed above is one that I used myself and think is helpful on this journey.

5 thoughts on “HELPFUL RESOURCES

  1. I wanted to write and thank you for your courage to organize and support this very difficult subject. Our son is going through a very tragic time which is comparable to your own experience. (I know the gender is different but I do not believe narciccism is prejudice to gender.) Our son is a strong, practicing Christian, and it is this reality that has brought him the greatest pain and suffering. He has fought so hard to be the Man of God he knows he has been created to be…but as you know…living with a narcissistic personality negates any ability to be a ‘person of God’ unless the narcissist is ‘The God.’ Deviating from their plan brings judgement, shame, blame, etc. Accepting the reality that the marriage is not a Sacramental Union, because it is not ‘life-giving’ creates a terrible sense of pain for the believer; coupled with the ‘blame-game’ the narcissistic spouse is so good at. Our son has felt like a
    failure and his X2b has been certain to attack his strong adherence to his faith; compounding the issue tremendously.

    However, through much church council, our son is finally beginning the slow & difficult emotional process of breaking free from the emotional abuse. I am recommending your blog to him. I have already ordered several of the materials you have suggested, and I would welcome your prayers as he begins this very difficult road toward healing.

    Thank you for taking the risk to share yourself and your experience…you will never know how many lives you are about to help.

    Blessings!!

  2. Dear Donna,

    I am so grateful for your feedback and insight. My prayer is that somehow God will use this journey that I DON’T WANT TO BE ON for good. He promises in his word that he will use all things for good….I want to believe and trust that. Honestly, it’s hard some days. But I’m grateful if my experiences and words help your son know that he is not alone, that he will be OK, that this is hard, and to take heart.

    I love how you articulated the sense of pain that a believer goes though during divorce. Divorce is hard on everyone. But I think there is a unique sense of pain and failure that a strong believer experiences due to their spiritual beliefs and teachings on the sanctity of marriage. It goes against everything they believe and value. Sometimes their church is not supportive. Friends may encourage them to try harder, or pray more, or watch another video. All of which may be good things to do, but they tend to reinforce the belief that the believer is doing the wrong thing and needs to “try harder.”

    I believe that breaking free from emotional and verbal abuse is the right thing to do. Abuse is sin. We are not supposed to allow people to destroy our lives and reduce us to emotional shreds. We cannot live life abundantly when we are walking on eggshells and terrified of the next rage-filled outburst from our spouse. I’m so glad your son is taking the tough steps to stop the abuse and start to heal. And kudos to his church for being awake and supportive of him in the process.

    Know that I have prayed for both you and your son. I pray for your peace and wisdom and that God will somehow use this in your lives for good. Through the pain and suffering we can become more Christ-like.

    Love and blessings,
    Melissa

  3. Melissa, the courage it has taken you to struggle and understand the pathology is commendable. Your sharing will help so many others caught in the narcissistic trap. It does take awareness and faith to deal with this illness.

    Mary Ann

  4. Thank you very much for these resources and for sharing your experiences. It helps me greatly to know I am not the only Christian woman struggling with this. At times I feel lonely, isolated and alone. I know in my mind that is not true, but it’s how I feel. Thank you for sharing your heart and helping me know that I am not the only one.

  5. Great list of references. Thank you for sharing what has helped you. I also love an instagram site called “exposingnarcissists”. They have wise sayings each day that remind me the truth about what I’m dealing with. Thank you!

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