These are some of the contradictory feelings I’m experiencing the day my divorce is final. I intentionally, very intentionally, am letting let myself feel all these feelings fully. No sweeping them under the rug.
“Divorce granted.” These words, with my judge’s kind smile, feel like a balm to my heart. A sense of relief is the predominant emotion. After almost 2 years of going through a difficult divorce with an abusive and narcissistic spouse, of hoping for change, hoping for reconciliation, it is hard to believe it is all over with those 2 words. I am relieved beyond measure.
I don’t want to celebrate, exactly. That would seem to just cover up the real feelings of anger, grief and sadness I feel. I DO want to be grateful and mark the occasion with a few close friends who have walked this extremely difficult path with me. So friends come over for a glass of wine or kombucha tea. I cry. I smile. I feel both sadness that my dreams haven’t come true, and hope for the future. Hope that God knows the plans he has for me and my children, and they are good plans.
I enjoy my friends and their love for me. I am grateful for the depth of relationship we have built through this fiery and difficult trial. I am touched by the flowers I receive from friends and dear family. I put them around the house and enjoy their beauty and feel the love from those who sent them.
I know there will be hard days and I know that I have a long, long road to healing my broken heart. But I am so relieved that I can now begin that journey. I don’t know if the journey will be easy or hard, but I can’t wait, Lord, to see where you lead!
Love and blessings,