Weekend Wisdom 8.29.15

A friend suggested that I find a spiritual “mantra” to start the day.  Positive words to repeat to my brain every morning. Here is my chosen mantra, Psalm 143:8-10. I repeat it in my bed, from under the sheets, as I’m groggily waking up each morning.

May the morning bring word Psalm 143:8-10For a period of time, as I wrestled with whether to stay in my destructive marriage or separate, I prayed this scripture and begged God to “show me the path I should take…” Friends kept telling me that God would make it perfectly clear. They encouraged me to stay on my knees and keep asking Him for wisdom and direction. He did make it clear. I pray He will for you, too.

Have a wonderful weekend, dear one!

Love and blessings,

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Narcissists and Abusers are Bullies during Divorce

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Uggh. I got bullied this week by my narcissistic X2B, and I’m feeling like the little kid on the playground. It stinks. But it happens a lot with abusers and narcissists.

“Narcissists will bully their way through life and relationships, while appearing as if they are living the ideal life. Adult bullies rely on a “massive denial of reality” to maintain their lives.”  James F. Masterson, M.D.

Bullying can be done in a lot of ways. With the narcissist and abuser it is likely to be repeated, intentional acts designed to enforce power and control over you or others. They may do this by intimidating, coercing, criticizing, accusing, or using words to hurt you. Narcissistic bullies are typically loud, pushy and overly-aggressive, and they make decisions by bulldozing you. See the synonyms in the definition of “bully” above. They perfectly describe the narcissist and abuser.

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Weekend Wisdom 8.22.15

I’m trying something new….something called “Weekend Wisdom”.  Each weekend I’ll post my favorite quote or thought on faith, divorce, healing, abuse, or narcissism on this blog. Some of it may resonate with you. Take what you like and leave the rest. I find these quotes to be good reminders for my heart that I’m not the crazy one, this is challenging, but that I will be OK.

So here goes….week one!

Ever wonder why, if you are the one filing for divorce, that the abuser is SOOO angry and mean….even thought THEY are the one who made the situation so bad that you feel like you had no other option? 

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Are There Biblical Grounds for Divorcing an Abuser?

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Here is an excellent and thought-provoking article by Barbara Roberts of A Cry for Justice on the biblical grounds for divorcing an abuser. The scripture she uses is descriptive and well-applied. It should bring clarity and comfort to abuse victims all over the world. I forwarded the article to my church elders and asked for a discussion.  Let’s celebrate the spread of this courageous message to more of the Christian church!

OPINION | Barbara Roberts

Monday 10 August 2015

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Mediation with a Narcissist

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I was pessimistic. I told my lawyer that scheduling just one day of mediation would be a waste of time, knowing the excruciating level of detail that my narcissistic X2B likes to go into on any given topic, especially these topics. So we scheduled two days of meetings with the mediator, a few days apart.

We wanted to attempt to settle the financial and custody parts of my divorce so that we could avoid going to court. My lawyer told me at a high-level how the day would go. But my X2B is difficult to negotiate with, has unmanaged emotions, and he often sabotages discussions at the very end, after hours and hours of work. It’s typically “his way or the highway.”  So I could not imagine what mediation would actually look like for me.

As a Christian woman, I wanted to apply my beliefs.  My beliefs that I should fair, respectful, honest, and try to honor God through a difficult day. I wanted to trust God, and believe that He would give me a peace that passes understanding.  (Philippians 4:7 “And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”)

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Negotiating with a Narcissist (AKA Terrorist)

Negotiating with an abusive spouse or a Narcissistic is like negotiating with a terrorist. The consensus advice is: “DON’T DO IT!” There are good reasons not to negotiate with a terrorist – they are unreasonable, they are manipulative, they lie, they are crazy, and they usually don’t give you what you want, even when you agree to meet their demands! I read somewhere “A narcissist doesn’t negotiate. They win.”

My narcissistic X2B has proven this over and over and over.

Negotiate with a narcissist

We recently got into a negotiation over trading custody time. Once again, I ended up losing. I am well educated, had a successful career, and can usually handle my own, thanks. But things don’t go well for me when we negotiate over the kids. He uses my concern for their well-being to get more time, better days, special events, etc. in exchange for the time we trade. It’s hard when the kids are pawns. But I’m learning. Learning not to let him bully, manipulate, control, or intimate me, all of which an abuser is well-skilled at doing. I’m also leaning to stick as closely to the custody orders as possible. I’m learning to say things like: Continue reading